I'm feeling a bit better. So to help wind down I started reading http://paulgraham.com/better.html , then I realized "yep, it's time to sleep."

Nite nite folks

It's 11:30 and I can't sleep.

I think that I could, but don't think that I should. I think that I could do one of my mind exercises. I think that I could shut off the part of my brain that's still going and lull myself into sleep. But this time, I don't know if that's a good idea.

I'm mulling about my job / work situation. It's been 4 months since my contract ended. The first 3 months were win Q4, contained a move to another city, a puppy nearly dying of Parvo, and joining a Church (with the requisite re finding of God thing). The last month, in addition to the continued Job search, has also contained the depletion of my "transition" money, asking my Partner for financial help, and applying for unemployment. Over these 4 months, a few recruiters have contacted me, asked for a resume to submit to potential jobs, and then silence.

I'm a Programmer. I like working with Java. I like working with databases. I get my kicks out of helping people, making their lives easier with a computer, and getting them home faster because of it. I can talk to geeks. I can talk to the receptionist. I can talk to potential clients. I can talk to someone needing support and not wanting it.

Is there still a market for someone like me?

Can I still get a job?

Part of what's kept me spinning this night is some posts on FC.com. Granted, FC attracts a strange crowd. I probably need to take it with a barrel of Kosher Salt. But many posters were going on about how a number of the job boards that I've been hitting daily consist of either fake jobs, recycled jobs, or non-leads. They also went back and forth on the merits of pulling unemployment. Combined with more of the "things suck everywhere" sentiment that's pervasive even on NPR, reading that thread hit me harder than I want to admit.

I don't know that anyone would want to admit being affected by reading an FC.com post.

It's strange that I hadn't considered a career change until this past month. Until a friend suggested it a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have ever thought of leaving computers.

To be honest, I don't want to leave the machines. I've grown up with them in a way that ... I've grown up with them. They're a part of me. They're a part of who I am. I think that this might be true more so for current generations ... but I think that I'm only now realizing it about myself.... kind of scarry.

I was also churning on the idea of hanging up my own shingle. Doing whatever computer things I could for people who can't or don't know how to do them. Making websites. Networking computers. Making eCommerce sites. Not a problem. I could do it. The business end I don't know, but I could learn. It's just not anything I ever wanted to learn or do ... How did my parents do it? How did they figure this out?


My father has a law degree back in the Philippines. That also came with an accounting degree. He's on sharp man who can study like a beast. When he came over to the U.S., he put the accounting degree to work. He's gone though a number of careers since then. Cycling through Insurance, Real estate, and sales. Before "retiring", he drove my mom. She was a nurse. If my father drove her, she could safely work nights and all kinds of insane hours and get a lot of money. She earned a lot of money for us. She worked a lot of hours, real hard hours so that we had everything we needed, and a lot of what we wanted. My father drove her. My father drove her, ran the house, and took care of us. ... I don't know how they did it.


I'm realizing that this stream of consciousness kind of resembles what I do when I ramble through all the issues that I'm feeling though. It's kind of like what I need to externalize to a person to recognize them, validate 'em, and move beyond. The only thing I haven't said is "I'm scared. I'm not sure I'm doing enough. I'm not sure what to do." I do have a few ideas. I've got a few mentors I haven't checked up with and done a reality check. ... but that's about it.


I'm scared.